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George Carlin: The Modern Man in Three Minutes
I’m a modern man, A man for the millennium, Digital and smoke free. A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist, Politically anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I’ve been uplinked and downloaded. I’ve been inputted and outsourced. I know the upside of downsizing. I know the downside of upgrading. I’m a high tech lowlife. A cutting edge state-of-the-art bicoastal multitasker, And I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond. I’m new wave but I’m old school, And my inner child is outward bound. I’m a hot wired heat seeking warm hearted cool customer, Voice activated and biodegradable. I interface from a database, And my database is in cyberspace, So I’m interactive, I’m hyperactive, And from time-to-time, I’m radioactive. Behind the eight ball, Ahead of the curve, Riding the wave, Dodging a bullet, Pushing the envelope. I’m on point, On task, On message, And off drugs. I got no need for coke and speed, I got no urge to binge and purge. I’m in the moment, On the edge, Over the top, But under the radar. A high concept, Low profile, Medium range ballistic missionary. A street-wise smart bomb. A top gun bottom feeder. I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps, I run victory laps. I’m a totally ongoing bigfoot slam dunk rainmaker with a proactive outreach. A raging workaholic. A working ragaholic. Out of rehab, And in denial. I got a personal trainer, A personal shopper, A personal assistant, And a personal agenda. You can’t shut me up, You can’t dumb me down. ‘Cause I’m tireless, And I’m wireless. I’m an alpha male on beta blockers. I’m a non-believer and an over-achiever. Laid back but fashion forward. Up front, Down home, Low rent, High maintenance. Super size, Long lasting, High definition, Fast acting, Oven ready, And built to last. I’m a hands on, Foot loose, Knee jerk, Head case. Prematurely post traumatic, And I have a love child who sends me hate mail. But I’m feeling, I’m caring, I’m healing, I’m sharing. A supportive bonding nurturing primary care giver. My output is down, But my income is up. I take a short position on the long bond, And my revenue stream has its own cash flow. I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports. I’m gender specific, Capital intensive, User friendly, And lactose intolerant. I like rough sex. I like tough love. I use the f word in my email, And the software on my hard drive is hard core, no soft porn. I bought a microwave at a mini mall. I bought a mini van in a mega store. I eat fast food in the slow lane. I’m toll free, Bite sized, Ready to wear, And I come in all sizes. A fully equipped, Factory authorized, Hospital tested, Clinically proven, Scientifically formulated medical miracle. I’ve been pre-washed, Pre-cooked, Pre-heated, Pre-screened, Pre-approved, Pre-packaged, Post-dated, Freeze-dried, Double-wrapped, Vacuum-packed, And I have an unlimited broadband capacity. I’m a rude dude, But I’m the real deal. Lean and mean. Cocked, locked and ready to rock. Rough tough and hard to bluff. I take it slow. I go with the flow. I ride with the tide. I got glide in my stride. Drivin’ and movin’, Sailin’ and spinnin’, Jivin’ and groovin’, Wailin’ and winnin’. I don’t snooze, So I don’t lose. I keep the pedal to the metal, And the rubber on the road. I party hearty, And lunch time is crunch time. I’m hanging in, There ain’t no doubt. And I’m hanging tough, Over and out.